A Garden Party for Primrose

Celebrated eternal families and one year closer to Prim by throwing a family Garden Party on her birthday.

From eating cake and sweets, painting #flowersforprim, releasing balloons to heaven, talking and playing with family, and finishing under the twinkle lights watching fireworks...I'm sure Primrose loved it. Poppy gave her several laughs at the end by running around naked and jumping in the bucket of ice water!

Although it was hard, it felt nice to actually do something I love for her. It felt "perfectly Prim" which reminds me that I knew exactly who she was when she was living inside of me. I could sense her very being and personality.

Oh how we can't wait to re-celebrate her first birthday and every milestone and moment we've missed when we get to raise her in the eternities. Nothing could be sweeter <3 

July 24,2018

Flowers for Prim: One Year Closer

ONE YEAR | one year missing you but one year closer to being with you again <3

Primrose we love and miss you more than we'll ever be able to explain. This year has been the most grueling, exhausting, trying, and humbling year of our lives. I'm naturally an emotional person but I've never cried this consistently before. I've never ached and hurt more emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I've never questioned God or felt more abandoned in my life. I've never been so angry and bitter. I've never sadly withdrawn more from the gospel or friends and family until this year. I've never been as mentally tired as I have this year.

With all these awful 'nevers' (that are hard to admit sometimes) we have also experienced 'sweet nevers'. We've never felt more love or support from family, friends, and complete strangers until this year. We've never had the chance to witness such incredible thoughtfulness and compassion until this year. We've never received more help emotionally, spiritually, and financially until this past year. We have never received as many tender mercies until this year. I've never had to pray so deeply and earnestly. I've never had the opportunity to re-learn the gospel and discover incredible insights. I've never had the privilege to see the blessings of seeking therapy. I've never been more grateful for friends and family who have stuck by my side even when I withdrew. I've never had the opportunity to meet women and families who I have instantly connected to and could bare my soul to so quickly until this year. I've never found myself at a point of nearly letting go of my beliefs and being able to recognize and choose it all all over again because of its truth. Etc. Etc. Etc.

The heartache continues but we are still standing. Our family is strong and the love we have for each other will get us through the years waiting for you. We love you darling Prim and are happy we are one year closer to being with you again. Happy birthday our beautiful darling<3

Our Little White Rose

We were always meant to have two 'flowers' in our family pictures. Luckily we found that incorporating a white rose brought us extra significance and meaning while our darling Primrose is away.

Flowers have always brought me happiness whether I'm the giver or the recipient. I've taken many floral arranging classes and been known to spend way too long in the floral section of any store.  I've always been fascinated by the Language of Flowers and the feelings it invokes. White roses symbolize unity, purity, virtue, spirituality, and perfection. In early tradition they were used as a symbol of true love.

At Prim's graveside service we had family members place a beautiful full bloomed white english rose next to her casket graciously purchased by the Atkinson family by the talented  Rachel Osguthorpe of Jolley's Gift and Floral that would be buried with her. We asked for a total of 24 roses purely for the amount we needed, however,  now that amount also brings us many beautiful connections we are grateful for. Two of them being:

1) Primrose was born on the 24th of July and

2) A dozen roses, in the Language of Flowers, is meant to reinforce the message of the color selected as a dozen is viewed as the "perfect" number in many ancestral cultures.

Hence two dozen or 24 roses is twice as "perfect" and means "I belong to you". It can also refer to the 24 hours in a day and says that "you think about them every hour"...

Oh how my heart relates to that.

 A few months after losing Primrose, our Aunt Michele sent us a beautiful poem at a dire time. It didn't heal the wounds nor did I feel I personally identified with the mothers in it, but it painted a beautiful picture of what my little girl must be like. Not getting the chance to officially meet her leaves a huge hole in my heart. I always could sense who she was while in my belly, but this poem paints a beautiful picture of who she continues to be while we are apart.

The White Rose

All the earth's mothers were gathered together at God's Garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits who would someday come to earth were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the Mothers, "See the works of my hands. Someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits." The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds of colors. "Choose ye", he said.

Now in the east corner of the garden, pure White Roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but they glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one the mothers stepped forward. "I want the blue eyed, curly haired on, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion." Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love, who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their special spirits. Those whom they would soon welcome into the love and warmth of an earthly home.

Once again the loving Father spoke. "But who will take the White Roses? The ones in the East corner of my garden. These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my garden. For they belong to me. They will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I shall personally care for them."

"No, not I." many said in unison. "I couldn't bear to give one back so soon", "Nor I.", said others. "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives." The loving Father looked across the multitude of mothers with a longing in his eyes for someone to step forward and speak, Silence!

Then he said, "See the most pure and perfect of the white ones? I have chosen Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked, and crucified. He is mine own. Will not any one choose like unto him?" A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord I will." Then another, "Yes we will Lord." Soon all the pure White Roses were chosen and they rejoiced with their mothers. The Father spoke again, "Oh blessed are ye who chose the White Roses. For your pain will be a heavy cross to bear. But your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can understand at this time." The White ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love, that it filled the mothers souls with such endearment that each knew she could endure the task.

And the greatest of the White ones gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming them as He prepared them for their task. And each mother who bore the weight of a White Rose felt the overwhelming love of God, as they all shouted, "Thy will be done."

-Myrna Cox

We were blessed to be able to book another session with the beautiful Kaylie from Photos by Kaylie Photography while visiting Utah over Christmas.  We love her and the spirit she brings to each of our sessions. We are probably not her typical client and yet she always captures the four of us perfectly...somehow being able to capture heaven and earth in our pictures. The photos she provides us help bring a peace and calmness to my aching heart when days are extremely rough and exhausting. This session was no exception with how she captured our beautiful white rose and the many sun flares that we view as our little Primrose shining down on us.

Flowers for Prim: Ten & Eleven Months

ELEVEN months | eleven months missing you, but eleven months closer to seeing you again. It's been over a week since the eleventh month mark and I can't believe we are almost to your birthday. I keep thinking about this past year and all we've had to overcome without you. Most days I still have no idea how we've even made it this far, but I do know it's you as our angel in heaven and the angels here on earth that have been there for us that have helped us stand when we feel so weak.

This month we had the best surprise come from the incredible @Sarahdandelioncray. Her amazing company @letsgomakeart dedicates one of their weekly paint alongs to someone who could use some joy. It's nearly been a year but she saw the opportunity to lift us (just like many others) because their is no expiration on grief. There is no timeline that someone should get over this. I started putting this weight on myself thinking I needed to come back to Utah with the grief gone and this was a beautiful reminder that it's okay. It's never going to be perfect until we have you in our arms again but we will keep finding ways to push forward and look for beautiful flowers.

Thank you @letsgomakeart for teaching others to paint and bring joy to others through art. The Poppy and Primrose flowers painted together was such a tender and thoughtful idea as I long for my girls to be together.

Go to @letsgomakeart and subscribe to be apart of this incredible community and learn how to paint from the most talented artist and amazing friend Sarah...you won't regret it!




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TEN months | ten months missing you, but ten months closer to seeing you again.

This post has taken way too long to write as we have hit lots of milestones and moments that have left me with no words. But around the 24th (of May) last year we found out you were a beautiful baby girl. We came directly from the appointment to this exact spot to announce our over the moon excitement. My heart was (and is still) so proud to be a girl mom. Your sister talks so highly of you and I desperately wish you were here for her to take care of, but she is doing a great job taking care of me and daddy when we are having a hard time by always being the first to remind us that Families are Forever and point out beautiful flowers "just like Primrose!" We spent the day playing, talking, and honoring you in anyway we could think of.

We miss you and love you so much sweet girl! Stay close to us darling

Flowers for Prim: Nine Months

NINE months | nine months missing you, but nine months closer to seeing you again🌸
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Aaron and I had a very special yet very emotional experience returning to the beautiful Primrose Hill in London over the 24th. This is where Aaron and I watched the London New Years Eve fireworks in 2016 where our hearts were longing for a new baby to join our family. Little did we know that trip would bring us our darling Primrose. 
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I had loved that name ever since we had Poppy and thought it would be perfect if we had a girl after our experience there but assumed it would be too perfect to be true. Sure enough we were blessed with another girl and I couldn’t wait to name her Primrose. I imagined calling out her name to come down stairs...Saying outloud “I love you Prim!” And seeing her reaction...I had even imagined calling out to Poppy and Prim playing when it was time to come inside. I imagined taking her to this beautiful place because I just knew she would fit right in.
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She was always meant to be Primrose and it has served us so many blessings continuing to use that name even if it wasn’t how we anticipated or wanted. The heartache and joy is hard to comprehend and navigate.
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We are currently experiencing some extra heartache from the fact that these photos are stock images from google. The millions of pictures I took here of us releasing a rose gold heart balloon in her honour, selfies of us with the London skyline, Primrose’s name scattered on many signs, and eating cupcakes to celebrate her under the neon sign are all gone. My phone malfunctioned and I lost every single picture from our England trip and more (iCloud and google photos messed up as well) creating another nightmare and sadness I wish I could just sweep away. Hopefully the sting of losing our photos will disappear over time and the memories can always be imbedded in our hearts instead.
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We love you Prim and were honoured to celebrate you this month even though we don’t have the actual evidence anymore. Can’t wait for the day where we get to live out all we had imagined with you.💗
#primroseadele #searchingforprimrose #flowersforprim#onemonthclosertoprim @ Primrose Hill

Flowers for Prim: Eight months

8 MONTHS | eight months missing you, but eight months closer to seeing you again🌸

We all love you very much Primrose. We wish so badly we could watch you grow right now, but instead I’m sure you are watching us grow in ways we could never have imagined without you. Hopefully all this hard growth will help us become somewhat perfect like you.💗

The tiniest little seed of all the seeds planted is growing. I remember when Poppy placed that exact seed thinking “it’s so close to the edge..I should move it” but didn’t and just assumed that seed probably wouldn’t sprout. And yet now it’s growing the fastest.

Funny how God does that with our own lives. We are sometimes put in the worst situations and BEG God to move us out, but somehow we hang on and grow. The months and months of what has felt like endless rain after endless rain was finally accompanied (not substituted) with some sunshine moments which has strengthened me when I felt as if I’d been buried to deeply. 🌸

Flowers for Prim: Seven Months

7 MONTHS | Seven months missing you, but seven months closer to seeing you again🌸

February was a tricky month for many reasons (which is why this post is a week and a day late). I had questioned and pondered many things about our new life after losing you. I searched and read my patriarchal blessing (you can read more about those HERE💗) and it seemed to have very specific responsibilities and blessings about my children.

At first this frustrated me (and depending upon my journey through grief it still can) but all that pondering combined with thoughts from stake conference this weekend got me thinking more about those promises.

We were reminded at the conference that we need to believe He will keep his word. Because He will and He does. We didn’t get the desperate miracle we wanted so badly but He has blessed and promised me (since I was 15 years old)😱those responsibilities and blessings about my children. ALL of my children.

So my darling Primrose, we bought you this grow-your-own mini Rose kit as a daily reminder that although you aren’t here physically with us we can still grow our relationship with you in other ways. And He has promised we will see, hear, and feel those blessings... and I’m holding on, trusting and knowing He will keep His word. We love you sweet girl<3💗

Flowers for Prim: Six Months

6 MONTHS | Six months of missing you, but six months closer to seeing you again.

Half of a year. The longest half year in my entire life without you Primrose. Every minute very aware of your absence hurts more than I knew possible. However, I think this is the first month of feeling a small sliver of hope. Not thinking, not wishing, not just praying for it but a split second of true light hit my soul. I don't even remember why or when, but it happened. It didn't last long and it was surrounded by many many dark days but it was there. And that is something to celebrate and give thanks for. I don't think it's coincidence it came just in time for your half birthday in heaven. <3

This month you taught me and opened my eyes to the people around me. The people I know and the ones I don't. I realized the heartache I'm feeling is felt in many situations which is quite a heavy realization. Some (too many) like ours and some much different, but all with the underlying hurt that life isn't what we planned. It isn't what we imagined and it may never be. Yet time and time again & situation after situation life keeps throwing me the same message found in Proverbs 3:5-6 which says,

[5]"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."
[6]"In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct they paths."

I may need this as a constant reminder to fully get my heart there, but I'll get there. Slowly but surely.

Because ultimately I know I need my path directed by Him.

Maybe Not Everything is About Me

Since losing our sweet Primrose Adele, I have searched for a reason, meaning, or purpose in being asked to bare such an incredibly difficult burden. My worst nightmare. Everything is meant to 'happen for a reason' so...

What am I meant to learn from this?

What purpose am I meant to serve not having my beloved daughter here in my arms?

How could this trial be leading me to "something better"?

What do you want me to do from here?

Where do you want me to go?

Why me?

Why us?

Why Primrose?

Maybe I'll become a better person. Maybe I'll be able to help in some way. Maybe I'll have opportunities I would never have. Maybe I'll meet/re-meet people that I may not have...All these things have great meaning but nothing makes losing a child ever feel worth it. And unlike God, we don't see the bigger picture and in times of struggle it can be... Frustrating.  Lonely.  Upsetting.

One day cycling through the questions above and searching for some sort of meaning to this, I became once again frustrated not having answers or a clear direction. Then I had a thought.

I would literally do anything for my girls; Poppy and Primrose. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. So...

Maybe not everything is about me.

Maybe this is purely for my darling Primrose and this is what I needed to do for her. As heart wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting, and long suffering losing a baby or child at any stage can be...maybe this is the main reason and purpose right now. That Primrose just needed a body. That she was needed in heaven and I just needed to be willing to lose her and live life until I get to have her again. What I do after is a choice. A choice that is mine. No expectations just a chance to do something that will help me endure this life as well as I possibly can.  Heaven and earth may separate us, but it doesn't take away the fact that I'd do anything for Primrose. It looks differently than what I'll do for Poppy here, but it will be done with the same feelings of love in my heart that I have for both of them. 

If you are going through grief, know that it is all you have to do. Go through it.

If there is something you feel inspired to do and it helps push through it...Do it. Just know you aren't expected to always make lemonade out of lemons every second of the day. Some days you'll make sweet lemonade, other days it will be tart, and some days you'll chuck those lemons across the room and refuse to take a drink... and yet all days are important. God understands. He will always help and be there to hand us the sugar again. And again. And again.

This mummy heart is so incredibly proud of her daughters. A three year old who lights up the room and has the biggest sincere heart I've ever seen/felt & another in heaven who has received ultimate glory and exaltation with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ (if you would like more information regarding this you can read it here) and who didn't need to be tried and tested here.  I was enabled and given the chance to be the one to develop a perfect little body just for her. The only gift she needed here. 

I'm one extremely lucky mama <3

Flowers for Prim: Five Months

FIVE months | five months of missing you, but five months closer to seeing you again (December 24th)

This month we were finally able to come 'visit' you and see your beautiful headstone. Being the planner that I am, I had already imagined how I would be decorating your nursery, milestones, and birthdays but for now this is what we have to give sweetheart...Decorating your headstone and finding ways to decorate our lives with you in mind while we are apart. 

Your sweet daddy reminded me that although we don't live close to your resting place your spirit is ALWAYS nearby us wherever we go (As you know, your daddy is absolutely incredible Primrose). We are so grateful for our sweet friends who let us join them in their cute Pinwheel tradition. Waiting for it to spin is the sweetest indication that you truly are never far from us. 

Oh what we would give to have things different for everyone who is missing a sweet angel baby/babies. But we will continue to search for you every moment of our lives until we get to hold you again. We all love you sweet girl.