Flowers for Prim: Four Months

FOUR months | Four months of missing you, but four months closer to seeing you again

Primrose, my heart absolutely aches for you. I remember with Poppy how every single month flew by and now I wish for that to be the case. I long to watch you grow up right before my eyes. The once "sad" thoughts of how quickly time was going now seems so painfully silly as I would give anything to feel that for you. It feels like an eternity has passed as currently every thought and moment is encompassed with sorrow or trying to understand the "why's" of this new life.

As a result, this month has been extremely hard as I've tried to navigate through such an unknown territory of grief....anger. I had to personally take a break of trying to do all the things I know will help because I was flat out exhausted. I was not strong this month, I was far from okay, and I needed a break from my typical reaction to read more, pray more, listen more, etc. as I was too exhausted to try and be okay with this new life. To find my purpose in all of this. I needed to feel this new stage through tears and internal screams. Through cries of anguish and feelings of betrayal. It has been a roller coaster I've never experienced and am not proud of. "This isn't who I am" was constantly on my mind and I hated it.

However, because I decided to take a "breather", God decided to be there for me through angels here on this earth.  I wasn't drawing to Him so He sent others to be there for me until this stage passes. He knows this isn't me and He understands. He knows I need to go through this and because I can't see the beginning to the end like He can, He is patient and so very kind. Even when I'm not.

For the past two and a half weeks (every single day without fail) I would get a text "out of nowhere" from an angel with a message and picture that would leave me in tears. This began the day after I started this new stage and had shut down my own personal efforts to draw close.

Coincidence? Of course not. 

God knew I needed the space so He sent family and friends my way to be there for me. He has done this multiple multiple times throughout this journey but this was so unique to this instance. I have been terrible having my phone with me recently, but after the first week of this happening whenever I heard my phone "ding" my mind had a small thought of, "I wonder if this is another angel who has just visited my darling Prim" and sure enough it was. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. The expected and unexpected visitors helped touch my heart when nothing else would in that moment.

I am so very grateful. Am I completely out of the woods for this stage? Sadly no. I've come to realize this journey isn't a "better and better each day", but it's more a process of "adding more 'Okay/Good' days in between the earth shattering ones". However, I will forever be grateful for family and friends who are constantly there for us through text, phone calls, constant prayers, and visiting my darling Prim and sharing their thoughts on her. Nothing makes this grieving mum heart happier than feeling my daughter's existence and knowing others feel her presence as well.

Thank you for loving our Primrose. I had so many plans to share her with the world in a similar fashion as Poppy which sadly isn't possible, but you all allow me to feel a sliver of that by feeling her spirit and recognizing who she is. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

The pictures below are ones I received from the last two and a half weeks (I believe I got them all...I know there were so many and I searched my text messages but if I missed one please let me know). I hope I'm able to share the many other ways people have shown their love for us in the future as we are so extremely grateful.

Just know you have all been a light in my life...even just by reading this and having an understanding heart means the world.

Are Pictures Worth A Thousand Words?

The picture below is roughly 4 hours after Prim's funeral. Anyone could look at this picture without that knowledge and assume I might be the happiest person in that moment, but in reality, our life was absolutely shattered without knowing how to piece it back together.  So I ask again...are pictures really worth a thousand words?

In some circumstances, yes. But for most? There is always a back story. Are we willing to dig our hands into the back story or do we keep scrolling... always taking a picture for it's "worth"? 

Tonight I want to send a friendly reminder to be kind to everyone you meet/interact with. Let us think through our words and complaints. Our complaints may be another's wishes. Remember not to assume from what you see on the surface. 

***If you've experienced pregnancy or infant loss below may cause memory triggers. I share in hopes that others might not feel alone through this. It might not be the right time for you, but when it is it'll be here. Feel free to vent with me anytime. We'll probably share many of the same demons...even if they aren't listed below***

"The hardest thing I've ever had to hear was that my child died.

The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is to live everyday since that moment."

That statement could not be more true. I started this blog to write the "good, bad, and ugly" of this grieving journey and today I just needed to write down some of the bad/ugly sides. The "would have/should have/could have" haunting questions and thoughts. 

How is it possible, that we had to plan a funeral and bury our sweet baby girl whom we longed for (so desperately) and were so incredibly grateful for? Who we loved with every fiber of our souls? How was she gone before we even got to meet her outside my womb? What would we do without her? How would we pick up the pieces in this new life that all of a sudden felt so foreign? How does life keep spinning when ours is shattered?  Could I have done anything differently to change this horrific outcome?

These are just a few of the questions spiraling through my head most days and below are only some of the haunting thoughts that come. There are some thoughts (like the moment we found out) that I currently have to shove out of my mind as quickly as possible because they make me feel extremely nauseous, but maybe writing some of them out will help.

• Waiting to see my Poppy girl be an older sister and have a built-in best friend here.
• Reminders that that^ opportunity was quickly taken away without warning.
• Thoughts of re-using a blessing dress and buying matching outfits may never happen in this lifetime.
• A clear distinction of life before July 24th and life after.
• The love for your own siblings and wanting it so desperately right now for Poppy and Primrose. 
• Knowing that those bonds^ would/should be happening right now.
• Plans made that are now on hold until TBD.
• Knowing "TBD" is not in our hands. (One of those thoughts you would hope to provide comfort as everything is in God's hand, but grief can cause conflicting emotions)
• Some memories and pictures that were a source of such great happiness currently being clouded by pain.
• Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear.
• Seeing newborn babies and knowing we should be experiencing them right now also.
• Thinking of the painful moment we found out and every painful thought afterwards.
• Naive bliss gone forever.
• Knowing you'll never quite be the same.
• Extremely hard days that seem to come out of nowhere.
• An empty nursery.
• Unused clothing or other items specifically purchased for Prim. 
• Grateful for truths known, but frustrated they don't ease pain as you would imagine/assume.
• Completely random triggers that cause your world to collapse all over again.
• Being homesick in your own heart, mind, and life.

I pray that we will love everyone around us. Decide to be the good in this world and go do it. Don't pick and choose when to be kind. Every single person could use a little more sunshine in their lives... no matter what their circumstance is.

Thank you to everyone who has been that sunshine to me and my family in our darkest days. <3