Flowers for Prim: Four Months

FOUR months | Four months of missing you, but four months closer to seeing you again

Primrose, my heart absolutely aches for you. I remember with Poppy how every single month flew by and now I wish for that to be the case. I long to watch you grow up right before my eyes. The once "sad" thoughts of how quickly time was going now seems so painfully silly as I would give anything to feel that for you. It feels like an eternity has passed as currently every thought and moment is encompassed with sorrow or trying to understand the "why's" of this new life.

As a result, this month has been extremely hard as I've tried to navigate through such an unknown territory of grief....anger. I had to personally take a break of trying to do all the things I know will help because I was flat out exhausted. I was not strong this month, I was far from okay, and I needed a break from my typical reaction to read more, pray more, listen more, etc. as I was too exhausted to try and be okay with this new life. To find my purpose in all of this. I needed to feel this new stage through tears and internal screams. Through cries of anguish and feelings of betrayal. It has been a roller coaster I've never experienced and am not proud of. "This isn't who I am" was constantly on my mind and I hated it.

However, because I decided to take a "breather", God decided to be there for me through angels here on this earth.  I wasn't drawing to Him so He sent others to be there for me until this stage passes. He knows this isn't me and He understands. He knows I need to go through this and because I can't see the beginning to the end like He can, He is patient and so very kind. Even when I'm not.

For the past two and a half weeks (every single day without fail) I would get a text "out of nowhere" from an angel with a message and picture that would leave me in tears. This began the day after I started this new stage and had shut down my own personal efforts to draw close.

Coincidence? Of course not. 

God knew I needed the space so He sent family and friends my way to be there for me. He has done this multiple multiple times throughout this journey but this was so unique to this instance. I have been terrible having my phone with me recently, but after the first week of this happening whenever I heard my phone "ding" my mind had a small thought of, "I wonder if this is another angel who has just visited my darling Prim" and sure enough it was. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. The expected and unexpected visitors helped touch my heart when nothing else would in that moment.

I am so very grateful. Am I completely out of the woods for this stage? Sadly no. I've come to realize this journey isn't a "better and better each day", but it's more a process of "adding more 'Okay/Good' days in between the earth shattering ones". However, I will forever be grateful for family and friends who are constantly there for us through text, phone calls, constant prayers, and visiting my darling Prim and sharing their thoughts on her. Nothing makes this grieving mum heart happier than feeling my daughter's existence and knowing others feel her presence as well.

Thank you for loving our Primrose. I had so many plans to share her with the world in a similar fashion as Poppy which sadly isn't possible, but you all allow me to feel a sliver of that by feeling her spirit and recognizing who she is. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

The pictures below are ones I received from the last two and a half weeks (I believe I got them all...I know there were so many and I searched my text messages but if I missed one please let me know). I hope I'm able to share the many other ways people have shown their love for us in the future as we are so extremely grateful.

Just know you have all been a light in my life...even just by reading this and having an understanding heart means the world.

Are Pictures Worth A Thousand Words?

The picture below is roughly 4 hours after Prim's funeral. Anyone could look at this picture without that knowledge and assume I might be the happiest person in that moment, but in reality, our life was absolutely shattered without knowing how to piece it back together.  So I ask again...are pictures really worth a thousand words?

In some circumstances, yes. But for most? There is always a back story. Are we willing to dig our hands into the back story or do we keep scrolling... always taking a picture for it's "worth"? 

Tonight I want to send a friendly reminder to be kind to everyone you meet/interact with. Let us think through our words and complaints. Our complaints may be another's wishes. Remember not to assume from what you see on the surface. 

***If you've experienced pregnancy or infant loss below may cause memory triggers. I share in hopes that others might not feel alone through this. It might not be the right time for you, but when it is it'll be here. Feel free to vent with me anytime. We'll probably share many of the same demons...even if they aren't listed below***

"The hardest thing I've ever had to hear was that my child died.

The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is to live everyday since that moment."

That statement could not be more true. I started this blog to write the "good, bad, and ugly" of this grieving journey and today I just needed to write down some of the bad/ugly sides. The "would have/should have/could have" haunting questions and thoughts. 

How is it possible, that we had to plan a funeral and bury our sweet baby girl whom we longed for (so desperately) and were so incredibly grateful for? Who we loved with every fiber of our souls? How was she gone before we even got to meet her outside my womb? What would we do without her? How would we pick up the pieces in this new life that all of a sudden felt so foreign? How does life keep spinning when ours is shattered?  Could I have done anything differently to change this horrific outcome?

These are just a few of the questions spiraling through my head most days and below are only some of the haunting thoughts that come. There are some thoughts (like the moment we found out) that I currently have to shove out of my mind as quickly as possible because they make me feel extremely nauseous, but maybe writing some of them out will help.

• Waiting to see my Poppy girl be an older sister and have a built-in best friend here.
• Reminders that that^ opportunity was quickly taken away without warning.
• Thoughts of re-using a blessing dress and buying matching outfits may never happen in this lifetime.
• A clear distinction of life before July 24th and life after.
• The love for your own siblings and wanting it so desperately right now for Poppy and Primrose. 
• Knowing that those bonds^ would/should be happening right now.
• Plans made that are now on hold until TBD.
• Knowing "TBD" is not in our hands. (One of those thoughts you would hope to provide comfort as everything is in God's hand, but grief can cause conflicting emotions)
• Some memories and pictures that were a source of such great happiness currently being clouded by pain.
• Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear.
• Seeing newborn babies and knowing we should be experiencing them right now also.
• Thinking of the painful moment we found out and every painful thought afterwards.
• Naive bliss gone forever.
• Knowing you'll never quite be the same.
• Extremely hard days that seem to come out of nowhere.
• An empty nursery.
• Unused clothing or other items specifically purchased for Prim. 
• Grateful for truths known, but frustrated they don't ease pain as you would imagine/assume.
• Completely random triggers that cause your world to collapse all over again.
• Being homesick in your own heart, mind, and life.

I pray that we will love everyone around us. Decide to be the good in this world and go do it. Don't pick and choose when to be kind. Every single person could use a little more sunshine in their lives... no matter what their circumstance is.

Thank you to everyone who has been that sunshine to me and my family in our darkest days. <3

Finding Flowers: Timing

But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is, Amen. 1 Nephi 9:6


God knew Primrose would return back to heaven on July 24, 2017 and he prepared the way to show us that he knows us personally and that he understands how incredibly difficult this would be. I have come to know without a doubt that there is no such thing as coincidences in this life. Heavenly Father perfectly plans and places things in our life to help bind and lift us up.

When we originally planned our trip to Utah we were looking at different dates all together, but last second we changed our plans to be there July 18-27. Many miracles happened because of this date change that I will forever be grateful for. I won't list all of them in this particular post, but hope to remember and list them all in the future.

Four short days before having Primrose we were able to have family/maternity photos taken by the incredible Kaylie at Photos by Kaylie. Originally when I booked her,  I was planning a lot of maternity photo ideas but as we showed up and met Kaylie, I told her that I wanted to mainly do family photos with just a few specific maternity photos. This seemed so odd to me since I spent months planning and thinking of maternity photos, but I know this thought was inspired as we now have many more family photos of us four for the last time in this lifetime. Many photos have a heavenly presence and a few even seem to show Poppy and Prim together holding hands or playing. I'm so grateful that we had Kaylie take our photos as Heavenly Father was able to work through her to capture our most treasured photographs of all time. One of my greatest sorrows is not being able to watch my darling girls grow up together and have a million pictures of them.  I know Heavenly Father knew this and gifted us these beautiful pictures to hold on to.

The day we had Prim, Aaron's parents (who live in England) flew into Salt Lake City. The unreal timing to have both of our parents/families there as our lives fell apart is something I will never be able to repay. I have no recollection of the two days after delivery and I'm so grateful Aaron could lean on his parents, his uncle, and my family when I couldn't be there for him. Due to my intense critical condition following, we had to be admitted to the ICU and both of our families took such good care of Poppy so that Aaron didn't have to leave my side and she wasn't completely thrown off/devastated with her parents both gone suddenly without warning. Poppy gained a deep love for our family members that makes my heart happy since we currently live away from everyone in our families.

Being in Utah, in itself, was a huge miracle divinely designed and planned by our loving Heavenly Father. So many connections I'll later discuss have become such tender mercies to me. Although it hurts to not have her graveside close... with the amount of times we've moved and will potentially move in the future, it gives me comfort that she is buried in Utah which will always be a constant place we will return to visit and perhaps eventually live again someday.

Her graveside is at Larkin where Aaron and I had our wedding reception 6 years prior which reminds us of the weekend we decided on forever and became an eternal family that allows us to be with Primrose again one day. Larkin also was a place that reminds me of my good old Alta Hawk soccer days and conditioning week. We would run sand hills and our 6 mile run right by Larkin. Those conditioning days were always the most trying and hardest. They were extremely exhausting and difficult, yet we always conquered and were better for them which I find incredibly symbolic of our life here on out. She is also accompanied by my second mom Trishelle who I know is loving on her in heaven until we are able to.

So many people happened to be in Utah to help make her service perfect. Our bishop from our ward in Chicago happened to be in Utah when everything transpired (and so was our previous Bishop who we love as well!). Our Bishop and his wife, whom we love dearly, not only came to visit us in the hospital but he conducted Prim's funeral service. He helped create the most perfect day for our little girl. Everyone who participated and came to Prim's services or who were there in spirit mean so much to us. We truly couldn't be living this life without you all and being in Utah allowed us to be surrounded with so many more people who have shaped our lives.

In D&C 84:88 it says..."for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up". Our hearts and life are still shattered, but I'm so grateful for these tender mercies to help bear me up and keep me going... one day at a time.

Flowers for Prim: Finding Flowers

Three Months of missing you | Three months closer to seeing you again. (October 24, 2017)

I always envisioned seeing both of my girls, Poppy and Primrose, here together on this earth. In this lifetime. Which causes our new reality to be so devastating. However, I have come to find that God does not leave us alone. He blesses us with tender mercies or our own little flowers to hold on to throughout our hardships to help remind us that He is there. That He indeed cares and knows our pain. He too grieved when his only begotten son endured Gethsemane and was crucified on the cross.  Our Savior Jesus Christ has felt our pain, our devastation, our loneliness, our suffering, and every other emotion we may feel in our trials.  He went through Gethsemane and bore the cross so that we wouldn't have to go through this alone.

This month I've been thinking of ways I wanted to celebrate Prim and keep her present in our life and I decided that I would finally start a blog to write out my feelings..the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want others who have, are, or will experience this pain to know that they are not alone in their thoughts that can sometimes can make you feel absolutely crazy or incredibly alone. And for those trying to support grieving families to have something to hopefully turn to.

This trial has brought me the lowest I've ever been, but amidst it all I have received many and will continue to search for the 'flowers' Heavenly Father and my Primrose send me to know of their goodness even when this journey feels impossible to bear.

Primrose darling, you are so incredibly loved.

Flowers for Prim: "Monthly Updates"

I'm a major planner so nearly every thought and moment was thought out in details of having her here with us.  I personally needed to find ways to honor our sweet Primrose and still live out aspects of our life we were planning on having if she was here.

I had planned on creating monthly updates on instagram, just as we had done with her big sister Poppy, so I decided to incorporate this for Primrose as well. Oh how I still wish every 24th of the month was going to produce a different kind of update, but I have found it peaceful to see this date as a day where I can find ways to incorporate her into our lives and focus on how this experience has shaped us. You can expect to find both heartache & pain but also joy, tender mercies, & hope. Every month we miss her, but each month we also get closer to seeing her again <3


One Month of missing you | One Month closer to seeing you again (August 24, 2017)

This isn't the type of "monthly updates" I had planned or the life we thought but we love you just as we imagined.

This month has been hard, but Primrose you've taught us so much. "Families are Forever" has become our mantra. It is something I desperately hold on to and so grateful to know is true. I've always known, but now I feel it. It resonates with me so clearly.

Each 24th of the month we will incorporate "pretty flowers" in some way to feel even closer to you sweetheart. Today we explored a new nursery and Poppy loved pointing out all the flowers that reminded her of you. We looked for Primroses but they were all purchased...they must've been perfect like you. We had the nursery all to ourselves and we smiled feeling you close by. We love you Prim!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Months of missing you | Two Months closer to seeing you again (September 24, 2017)

This month has been especially hard as we were likely to bring you home this month and with your due date drawing near. I bought this painting from my favorite artist and amazing friend Sarah from the shop Dandelion Paper Co. as a beautiful remembrance of you and your life. Because my dear, although your life was much much different than we hoped and planned...you still lived!

You lived a beautiful 7.5 months inside my belly in which your dad, me, and Poppy cherished every single moment and kick you gave us (which was a ton, you were soooo active!) Most nights I would lay awake for hours just so I could feel you move because I knew I was the luckiest. Poppy showed you nothing but perfect love...No arguments, no jealousy, nothing bad was ever shown to you during your life. It's so painful to realize how perfect your life was going health wise without complications and how it was taken away with no warning.  You were just too perfect my darling.

There is nothing we wouldn't do to have you here with us, but I'm grateful for my Savior who lives so that we will live with you again someday. Life is so different than we imagined but we've been given tender mercies over and over to give us hope for the future which I'm grateful for. Love you darling Prim <3

This is Us

Aaron and I met while attending and playing soccer for Brigham Young University of Hawaii in 2008. We became best friends and nearly did everything together and finally started (officially) dating Junior year. We were married right before our Senior year in the Mt. Timpanogos temple on July 9th, 2011. We lived our first year of marriage in Hawaii where we graduated and finished our collegiate soccer careers. We have lived in Hawaii, England, Utah, and currently reside in Chicago.

Our first kind, energetic, full of life, passionionate, and beautiful daughter Poppy Brynn was born on November 11th, 2014 at the Intermountain Medical Center hospital in Murray, Utah. She was born at 2:22pm and weighed 8lbs 15oz and was 21.5 inches long. We spent a week in the hospital while Poppy was in the NICU for low blood sugars and jaundice. She is about to turn three in the next couple of weeks although many people mistake her as a 4 year old because of her height, extremely sociable confident demeanor, and her great vocabulary. Poppy loves Primrose so incredibly much. She always asks to paint pictures for her and talks about all the things she can't wait to do with her in heaven one day. Poppy has a heart of gold and is extremely compassionate. During our family/maternity photos Poppy picked the most beautiful flowers for her sister (seen in this picture). I can also always count on an immediate hug and a sincere "I miss Primrose too" when she sees me crying.  God knew we needed our Poppy girl to get us through this hard life and she helps us see the beauty through the pain. She is our angel daughter earth-side.

Primrose Adele was born sleeping at 30 weeks gestation (You can read more about this here and I will write another more in-depth post when the time is right). She happened to be born at the same hospital as Poppy while we were on vacation in Utah from Chicago.  Primrose was born at 3:55pm and weighed 3lbs 5oz and measured 16 inches long. She had a head full of beautiful dark brown curly hair and a perfect button nose just like Poppy. While she was inside my belly she was extremely active and we cherished every single movement and kick which I'm so grateful for. She had me craving cheeseburgers (plain just like her dad) and would always hide her face when we tried doing 4d ultrasound pictures (also characteristic of her father when it comes to taking pictures haha). I could feel the sweetest, most angelic spirit from her and seeing her tiny body confirmed how perfect she is. We can't wait for the day when we get to raise her and find out more about her. She is our angel daughter in heaven.

Our time with Prim, both in my belly and at the hospital, are some of the most sacred moments of our lives. They hold the times where we were the happiest we have ever been and the lowest, saddest, hardest times of our life thus far. There is no way to prepare you for the kind of heart wrenching grief losing a child brings. It forever changes you.