Since losing our sweet Primrose Adele, I have searched for a reason, meaning, or purpose in being asked to bare such an incredibly difficult burden. My worst nightmare. Everything is meant to 'happen for a reason' so...
What am I meant to learn from this?
What purpose am I meant to serve not having my beloved daughter here in my arms?
How could this trial be leading me to "something better"?
What do you want me to do from here?
Where do you want me to go?
Why me?
Why us?
Why Primrose?
Maybe I'll become a better person. Maybe I'll be able to help in some way. Maybe I'll have opportunities I would never have. Maybe I'll meet/re-meet people that I may not have...All these things have great meaning but nothing makes losing a child ever feel worth it. And unlike God, we don't see the bigger picture and in times of struggle it can be... Frustrating. Lonely. Upsetting.
One day cycling through the questions above and searching for some sort of meaning to this, I became once again frustrated not having answers or a clear direction. Then I had a thought.
I would literally do anything for my girls; Poppy and Primrose. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. So...
Maybe not everything is about me.
Maybe this is purely for my darling Primrose and this is what I needed to do for her. As heart wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting, and long suffering losing a baby or child at any stage can be...maybe this is the main reason and purpose right now. That Primrose just needed a body. That she was needed in heaven and I just needed to be willing to lose her and live life until I get to have her again. What I do after is a choice. A choice that is mine. No expectations just a chance to do something that will help me endure this life as well as I possibly can. Heaven and earth may separate us, but it doesn't take away the fact that I'd do anything for Primrose. It looks differently than what I'll do for Poppy here, but it will be done with the same feelings of love in my heart that I have for both of them.
If you are going through grief, know that it is all you have to do. Go through it.
If there is something you feel inspired to do and it helps push through it...Do it. Just know you aren't expected to always make lemonade out of lemons every second of the day. Some days you'll make sweet lemonade, other days it will be tart, and some days you'll chuck those lemons across the room and refuse to take a drink... and yet all days are important. God understands. He will always help and be there to hand us the sugar again. And again. And again.
This mummy heart is so incredibly proud of her daughters. A three year old who lights up the room and has the biggest sincere heart I've ever seen/felt & another in heaven who has received ultimate glory and exaltation with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ (if you would like more information regarding this you can read it
here) and who didn't need to be tried and tested here. I was enabled and given the chance to be the one to develop a perfect little body just for her. The only gift she needed here.
I'm one extremely lucky mama <3
