Flowers for Prim: Four Months

FOUR months | Four months of missing you, but four months closer to seeing you again

Primrose, my heart absolutely aches for you. I remember with Poppy how every single month flew by and now I wish for that to be the case. I long to watch you grow up right before my eyes. The once "sad" thoughts of how quickly time was going now seems so painfully silly as I would give anything to feel that for you. It feels like an eternity has passed as currently every thought and moment is encompassed with sorrow or trying to understand the "why's" of this new life.

As a result, this month has been extremely hard as I've tried to navigate through such an unknown territory of grief....anger. I had to personally take a break of trying to do all the things I know will help because I was flat out exhausted. I was not strong this month, I was far from okay, and I needed a break from my typical reaction to read more, pray more, listen more, etc. as I was too exhausted to try and be okay with this new life. To find my purpose in all of this. I needed to feel this new stage through tears and internal screams. Through cries of anguish and feelings of betrayal. It has been a roller coaster I've never experienced and am not proud of. "This isn't who I am" was constantly on my mind and I hated it.

However, because I decided to take a "breather", God decided to be there for me through angels here on this earth.  I wasn't drawing to Him so He sent others to be there for me until this stage passes. He knows this isn't me and He understands. He knows I need to go through this and because I can't see the beginning to the end like He can, He is patient and so very kind. Even when I'm not.

For the past two and a half weeks (every single day without fail) I would get a text "out of nowhere" from an angel with a message and picture that would leave me in tears. This began the day after I started this new stage and had shut down my own personal efforts to draw close.

Coincidence? Of course not. 

God knew I needed the space so He sent family and friends my way to be there for me. He has done this multiple multiple times throughout this journey but this was so unique to this instance. I have been terrible having my phone with me recently, but after the first week of this happening whenever I heard my phone "ding" my mind had a small thought of, "I wonder if this is another angel who has just visited my darling Prim" and sure enough it was. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. The expected and unexpected visitors helped touch my heart when nothing else would in that moment.

I am so very grateful. Am I completely out of the woods for this stage? Sadly no. I've come to realize this journey isn't a "better and better each day", but it's more a process of "adding more 'Okay/Good' days in between the earth shattering ones". However, I will forever be grateful for family and friends who are constantly there for us through text, phone calls, constant prayers, and visiting my darling Prim and sharing their thoughts on her. Nothing makes this grieving mum heart happier than feeling my daughter's existence and knowing others feel her presence as well.

Thank you for loving our Primrose. I had so many plans to share her with the world in a similar fashion as Poppy which sadly isn't possible, but you all allow me to feel a sliver of that by feeling her spirit and recognizing who she is. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

The pictures below are ones I received from the last two and a half weeks (I believe I got them all...I know there were so many and I searched my text messages but if I missed one please let me know). I hope I'm able to share the many other ways people have shown their love for us in the future as we are so extremely grateful.

Just know you have all been a light in my life...even just by reading this and having an understanding heart means the world.