Are Pictures Worth A Thousand Words?

The picture below is roughly 4 hours after Prim's funeral. Anyone could look at this picture without that knowledge and assume I might be the happiest person in that moment, but in reality, our life was absolutely shattered without knowing how to piece it back together.  So I ask again...are pictures really worth a thousand words?

In some circumstances, yes. But for most? There is always a back story. Are we willing to dig our hands into the back story or do we keep scrolling... always taking a picture for it's "worth"? 

Tonight I want to send a friendly reminder to be kind to everyone you meet/interact with. Let us think through our words and complaints. Our complaints may be another's wishes. Remember not to assume from what you see on the surface. 

***If you've experienced pregnancy or infant loss below may cause memory triggers. I share in hopes that others might not feel alone through this. It might not be the right time for you, but when it is it'll be here. Feel free to vent with me anytime. We'll probably share many of the same demons...even if they aren't listed below***

"The hardest thing I've ever had to hear was that my child died.

The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is to live everyday since that moment."

That statement could not be more true. I started this blog to write the "good, bad, and ugly" of this grieving journey and today I just needed to write down some of the bad/ugly sides. The "would have/should have/could have" haunting questions and thoughts. 

How is it possible, that we had to plan a funeral and bury our sweet baby girl whom we longed for (so desperately) and were so incredibly grateful for? Who we loved with every fiber of our souls? How was she gone before we even got to meet her outside my womb? What would we do without her? How would we pick up the pieces in this new life that all of a sudden felt so foreign? How does life keep spinning when ours is shattered?  Could I have done anything differently to change this horrific outcome?

These are just a few of the questions spiraling through my head most days and below are only some of the haunting thoughts that come. There are some thoughts (like the moment we found out) that I currently have to shove out of my mind as quickly as possible because they make me feel extremely nauseous, but maybe writing some of them out will help.

• Waiting to see my Poppy girl be an older sister and have a built-in best friend here.
• Reminders that that^ opportunity was quickly taken away without warning.
• Thoughts of re-using a blessing dress and buying matching outfits may never happen in this lifetime.
• A clear distinction of life before July 24th and life after.
• The love for your own siblings and wanting it so desperately right now for Poppy and Primrose. 
• Knowing that those bonds^ would/should be happening right now.
• Plans made that are now on hold until TBD.
• Knowing "TBD" is not in our hands. (One of those thoughts you would hope to provide comfort as everything is in God's hand, but grief can cause conflicting emotions)
• Some memories and pictures that were a source of such great happiness currently being clouded by pain.
• Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear.
• Seeing newborn babies and knowing we should be experiencing them right now also.
• Thinking of the painful moment we found out and every painful thought afterwards.
• Naive bliss gone forever.
• Knowing you'll never quite be the same.
• Extremely hard days that seem to come out of nowhere.
• An empty nursery.
• Unused clothing or other items specifically purchased for Prim. 
• Grateful for truths known, but frustrated they don't ease pain as you would imagine/assume.
• Completely random triggers that cause your world to collapse all over again.
• Being homesick in your own heart, mind, and life.

I pray that we will love everyone around us. Decide to be the good in this world and go do it. Don't pick and choose when to be kind. Every single person could use a little more sunshine in their lives... no matter what their circumstance is.

Thank you to everyone who has been that sunshine to me and my family in our darkest days. <3