Flowers for Prim: Six Months

6 MONTHS | Six months of missing you, but six months closer to seeing you again.

Half of a year. The longest half year in my entire life without you Primrose. Every minute very aware of your absence hurts more than I knew possible. However, I think this is the first month of feeling a small sliver of hope. Not thinking, not wishing, not just praying for it but a split second of true light hit my soul. I don't even remember why or when, but it happened. It didn't last long and it was surrounded by many many dark days but it was there. And that is something to celebrate and give thanks for. I don't think it's coincidence it came just in time for your half birthday in heaven. <3

This month you taught me and opened my eyes to the people around me. The people I know and the ones I don't. I realized the heartache I'm feeling is felt in many situations which is quite a heavy realization. Some (too many) like ours and some much different, but all with the underlying hurt that life isn't what we planned. It isn't what we imagined and it may never be. Yet time and time again & situation after situation life keeps throwing me the same message found in Proverbs 3:5-6 which says,

[5]"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."
[6]"In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct they paths."

I may need this as a constant reminder to fully get my heart there, but I'll get there. Slowly but surely.

Because ultimately I know I need my path directed by Him.

Maybe Not Everything is About Me

Since losing our sweet Primrose Adele, I have searched for a reason, meaning, or purpose in being asked to bare such an incredibly difficult burden. My worst nightmare. Everything is meant to 'happen for a reason' so...

What am I meant to learn from this?

What purpose am I meant to serve not having my beloved daughter here in my arms?

How could this trial be leading me to "something better"?

What do you want me to do from here?

Where do you want me to go?

Why me?

Why us?

Why Primrose?

Maybe I'll become a better person. Maybe I'll be able to help in some way. Maybe I'll have opportunities I would never have. Maybe I'll meet/re-meet people that I may not have...All these things have great meaning but nothing makes losing a child ever feel worth it. And unlike God, we don't see the bigger picture and in times of struggle it can be... Frustrating.  Lonely.  Upsetting.

One day cycling through the questions above and searching for some sort of meaning to this, I became once again frustrated not having answers or a clear direction. Then I had a thought.

I would literally do anything for my girls; Poppy and Primrose. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. So...

Maybe not everything is about me.

Maybe this is purely for my darling Primrose and this is what I needed to do for her. As heart wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting, and long suffering losing a baby or child at any stage can be...maybe this is the main reason and purpose right now. That Primrose just needed a body. That she was needed in heaven and I just needed to be willing to lose her and live life until I get to have her again. What I do after is a choice. A choice that is mine. No expectations just a chance to do something that will help me endure this life as well as I possibly can.  Heaven and earth may separate us, but it doesn't take away the fact that I'd do anything for Primrose. It looks differently than what I'll do for Poppy here, but it will be done with the same feelings of love in my heart that I have for both of them. 

If you are going through grief, know that it is all you have to do. Go through it.

If there is something you feel inspired to do and it helps push through it...Do it. Just know you aren't expected to always make lemonade out of lemons every second of the day. Some days you'll make sweet lemonade, other days it will be tart, and some days you'll chuck those lemons across the room and refuse to take a drink... and yet all days are important. God understands. He will always help and be there to hand us the sugar again. And again. And again.

This mummy heart is so incredibly proud of her daughters. A three year old who lights up the room and has the biggest sincere heart I've ever seen/felt & another in heaven who has received ultimate glory and exaltation with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ (if you would like more information regarding this you can read it here) and who didn't need to be tried and tested here.  I was enabled and given the chance to be the one to develop a perfect little body just for her. The only gift she needed here. 

I'm one extremely lucky mama <3

Flowers for Prim: Five Months

FIVE months | five months of missing you, but five months closer to seeing you again (December 24th)

This month we were finally able to come 'visit' you and see your beautiful headstone. Being the planner that I am, I had already imagined how I would be decorating your nursery, milestones, and birthdays but for now this is what we have to give sweetheart...Decorating your headstone and finding ways to decorate our lives with you in mind while we are apart. 

Your sweet daddy reminded me that although we don't live close to your resting place your spirit is ALWAYS nearby us wherever we go (As you know, your daddy is absolutely incredible Primrose). We are so grateful for our sweet friends who let us join them in their cute Pinwheel tradition. Waiting for it to spin is the sweetest indication that you truly are never far from us. 

Oh what we would give to have things different for everyone who is missing a sweet angel baby/babies. But we will continue to search for you every moment of our lives until we get to hold you again. We all love you sweet girl. 

Flowers for Prim: Four Months

FOUR months | Four months of missing you, but four months closer to seeing you again

Primrose, my heart absolutely aches for you. I remember with Poppy how every single month flew by and now I wish for that to be the case. I long to watch you grow up right before my eyes. The once "sad" thoughts of how quickly time was going now seems so painfully silly as I would give anything to feel that for you. It feels like an eternity has passed as currently every thought and moment is encompassed with sorrow or trying to understand the "why's" of this new life.

As a result, this month has been extremely hard as I've tried to navigate through such an unknown territory of grief....anger. I had to personally take a break of trying to do all the things I know will help because I was flat out exhausted. I was not strong this month, I was far from okay, and I needed a break from my typical reaction to read more, pray more, listen more, etc. as I was too exhausted to try and be okay with this new life. To find my purpose in all of this. I needed to feel this new stage through tears and internal screams. Through cries of anguish and feelings of betrayal. It has been a roller coaster I've never experienced and am not proud of. "This isn't who I am" was constantly on my mind and I hated it.

However, because I decided to take a "breather", God decided to be there for me through angels here on this earth.  I wasn't drawing to Him so He sent others to be there for me until this stage passes. He knows this isn't me and He understands. He knows I need to go through this and because I can't see the beginning to the end like He can, He is patient and so very kind. Even when I'm not.

For the past two and a half weeks (every single day without fail) I would get a text "out of nowhere" from an angel with a message and picture that would leave me in tears. This began the day after I started this new stage and had shut down my own personal efforts to draw close.

Coincidence? Of course not. 

God knew I needed the space so He sent family and friends my way to be there for me. He has done this multiple multiple times throughout this journey but this was so unique to this instance. I have been terrible having my phone with me recently, but after the first week of this happening whenever I heard my phone "ding" my mind had a small thought of, "I wonder if this is another angel who has just visited my darling Prim" and sure enough it was. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. The expected and unexpected visitors helped touch my heart when nothing else would in that moment.

I am so very grateful. Am I completely out of the woods for this stage? Sadly no. I've come to realize this journey isn't a "better and better each day", but it's more a process of "adding more 'Okay/Good' days in between the earth shattering ones". However, I will forever be grateful for family and friends who are constantly there for us through text, phone calls, constant prayers, and visiting my darling Prim and sharing their thoughts on her. Nothing makes this grieving mum heart happier than feeling my daughter's existence and knowing others feel her presence as well.

Thank you for loving our Primrose. I had so many plans to share her with the world in a similar fashion as Poppy which sadly isn't possible, but you all allow me to feel a sliver of that by feeling her spirit and recognizing who she is. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

The pictures below are ones I received from the last two and a half weeks (I believe I got them all...I know there were so many and I searched my text messages but if I missed one please let me know). I hope I'm able to share the many other ways people have shown their love for us in the future as we are so extremely grateful.

Just know you have all been a light in my life...even just by reading this and having an understanding heart means the world.

Are Pictures Worth A Thousand Words?

The picture below is roughly 4 hours after Prim's funeral. Anyone could look at this picture without that knowledge and assume I might be the happiest person in that moment, but in reality, our life was absolutely shattered without knowing how to piece it back together.  So I ask again...are pictures really worth a thousand words?

In some circumstances, yes. But for most? There is always a back story. Are we willing to dig our hands into the back story or do we keep scrolling... always taking a picture for it's "worth"? 

Tonight I want to send a friendly reminder to be kind to everyone you meet/interact with. Let us think through our words and complaints. Our complaints may be another's wishes. Remember not to assume from what you see on the surface. 

***If you've experienced pregnancy or infant loss below may cause memory triggers. I share in hopes that others might not feel alone through this. It might not be the right time for you, but when it is it'll be here. Feel free to vent with me anytime. We'll probably share many of the same demons...even if they aren't listed below***

"The hardest thing I've ever had to hear was that my child died.

The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is to live everyday since that moment."

That statement could not be more true. I started this blog to write the "good, bad, and ugly" of this grieving journey and today I just needed to write down some of the bad/ugly sides. The "would have/should have/could have" haunting questions and thoughts. 

How is it possible, that we had to plan a funeral and bury our sweet baby girl whom we longed for (so desperately) and were so incredibly grateful for? Who we loved with every fiber of our souls? How was she gone before we even got to meet her outside my womb? What would we do without her? How would we pick up the pieces in this new life that all of a sudden felt so foreign? How does life keep spinning when ours is shattered?  Could I have done anything differently to change this horrific outcome?

These are just a few of the questions spiraling through my head most days and below are only some of the haunting thoughts that come. There are some thoughts (like the moment we found out) that I currently have to shove out of my mind as quickly as possible because they make me feel extremely nauseous, but maybe writing some of them out will help.

• Waiting to see my Poppy girl be an older sister and have a built-in best friend here.
• Reminders that that^ opportunity was quickly taken away without warning.
• Thoughts of re-using a blessing dress and buying matching outfits may never happen in this lifetime.
• A clear distinction of life before July 24th and life after.
• The love for your own siblings and wanting it so desperately right now for Poppy and Primrose. 
• Knowing that those bonds^ would/should be happening right now.
• Plans made that are now on hold until TBD.
• Knowing "TBD" is not in our hands. (One of those thoughts you would hope to provide comfort as everything is in God's hand, but grief can cause conflicting emotions)
• Some memories and pictures that were a source of such great happiness currently being clouded by pain.
• Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear.
• Seeing newborn babies and knowing we should be experiencing them right now also.
• Thinking of the painful moment we found out and every painful thought afterwards.
• Naive bliss gone forever.
• Knowing you'll never quite be the same.
• Extremely hard days that seem to come out of nowhere.
• An empty nursery.
• Unused clothing or other items specifically purchased for Prim. 
• Grateful for truths known, but frustrated they don't ease pain as you would imagine/assume.
• Completely random triggers that cause your world to collapse all over again.
• Being homesick in your own heart, mind, and life.

I pray that we will love everyone around us. Decide to be the good in this world and go do it. Don't pick and choose when to be kind. Every single person could use a little more sunshine in their lives... no matter what their circumstance is.

Thank you to everyone who has been that sunshine to me and my family in our darkest days. <3

Finding Flowers: Timing

But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is, Amen. 1 Nephi 9:6


God knew Primrose would return back to heaven on July 24, 2017 and he prepared the way to show us that he knows us personally and that he understands how incredibly difficult this would be. I have come to know without a doubt that there is no such thing as coincidences in this life. Heavenly Father perfectly plans and places things in our life to help bind and lift us up.

When we originally planned our trip to Utah we were looking at different dates all together, but last second we changed our plans to be there July 18-27. Many miracles happened because of this date change that I will forever be grateful for. I won't list all of them in this particular post, but hope to remember and list them all in the future.

Four short days before having Primrose we were able to have family/maternity photos taken by the incredible Kaylie at Photos by Kaylie. Originally when I booked her,  I was planning a lot of maternity photo ideas but as we showed up and met Kaylie, I told her that I wanted to mainly do family photos with just a few specific maternity photos. This seemed so odd to me since I spent months planning and thinking of maternity photos, but I know this thought was inspired as we now have many more family photos of us four for the last time in this lifetime. Many photos have a heavenly presence and a few even seem to show Poppy and Prim together holding hands or playing. I'm so grateful that we had Kaylie take our photos as Heavenly Father was able to work through her to capture our most treasured photographs of all time. One of my greatest sorrows is not being able to watch my darling girls grow up together and have a million pictures of them.  I know Heavenly Father knew this and gifted us these beautiful pictures to hold on to.

The day we had Prim, Aaron's parents (who live in England) flew into Salt Lake City. The unreal timing to have both of our parents/families there as our lives fell apart is something I will never be able to repay. I have no recollection of the two days after delivery and I'm so grateful Aaron could lean on his parents, his uncle, and my family when I couldn't be there for him. Due to my intense critical condition following, we had to be admitted to the ICU and both of our families took such good care of Poppy so that Aaron didn't have to leave my side and she wasn't completely thrown off/devastated with her parents both gone suddenly without warning. Poppy gained a deep love for our family members that makes my heart happy since we currently live away from everyone in our families.

Being in Utah, in itself, was a huge miracle divinely designed and planned by our loving Heavenly Father. So many connections I'll later discuss have become such tender mercies to me. Although it hurts to not have her graveside close... with the amount of times we've moved and will potentially move in the future, it gives me comfort that she is buried in Utah which will always be a constant place we will return to visit and perhaps eventually live again someday.

Her graveside is at Larkin where Aaron and I had our wedding reception 6 years prior which reminds us of the weekend we decided on forever and became an eternal family that allows us to be with Primrose again one day. Larkin also was a place that reminds me of my good old Alta Hawk soccer days and conditioning week. We would run sand hills and our 6 mile run right by Larkin. Those conditioning days were always the most trying and hardest. They were extremely exhausting and difficult, yet we always conquered and were better for them which I find incredibly symbolic of our life here on out. She is also accompanied by my second mom Trishelle who I know is loving on her in heaven until we are able to.

So many people happened to be in Utah to help make her service perfect. Our bishop from our ward in Chicago happened to be in Utah when everything transpired (and so was our previous Bishop who we love as well!). Our Bishop and his wife, whom we love dearly, not only came to visit us in the hospital but he conducted Prim's funeral service. He helped create the most perfect day for our little girl. Everyone who participated and came to Prim's services or who were there in spirit mean so much to us. We truly couldn't be living this life without you all and being in Utah allowed us to be surrounded with so many more people who have shaped our lives.

In D&C 84:88 it says..."for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up". Our hearts and life are still shattered, but I'm so grateful for these tender mercies to help bear me up and keep me going... one day at a time.

Flowers for Prim: Finding Flowers

Three Months of missing you | Three months closer to seeing you again. (October 24, 2017)

I always envisioned seeing both of my girls, Poppy and Primrose, here together on this earth. In this lifetime. Which causes our new reality to be so devastating. However, I have come to find that God does not leave us alone. He blesses us with tender mercies or our own little flowers to hold on to throughout our hardships to help remind us that He is there. That He indeed cares and knows our pain. He too grieved when his only begotten son endured Gethsemane and was crucified on the cross.  Our Savior Jesus Christ has felt our pain, our devastation, our loneliness, our suffering, and every other emotion we may feel in our trials.  He went through Gethsemane and bore the cross so that we wouldn't have to go through this alone.

This month I've been thinking of ways I wanted to celebrate Prim and keep her present in our life and I decided that I would finally start a blog to write out my feelings..the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want others who have, are, or will experience this pain to know that they are not alone in their thoughts that can sometimes can make you feel absolutely crazy or incredibly alone. And for those trying to support grieving families to have something to hopefully turn to.

This trial has brought me the lowest I've ever been, but amidst it all I have received many and will continue to search for the 'flowers' Heavenly Father and my Primrose send me to know of their goodness even when this journey feels impossible to bear.

Primrose darling, you are so incredibly loved.