Flowers for Prim: Eight months

8 MONTHS | eight months missing you, but eight months closer to seeing you again🌸

We all love you very much Primrose. We wish so badly we could watch you grow right now, but instead I’m sure you are watching us grow in ways we could never have imagined without you. Hopefully all this hard growth will help us become somewhat perfect like you.💗

The tiniest little seed of all the seeds planted is growing. I remember when Poppy placed that exact seed thinking “it’s so close to the edge..I should move it” but didn’t and just assumed that seed probably wouldn’t sprout. And yet now it’s growing the fastest.

Funny how God does that with our own lives. We are sometimes put in the worst situations and BEG God to move us out, but somehow we hang on and grow. The months and months of what has felt like endless rain after endless rain was finally accompanied (not substituted) with some sunshine moments which has strengthened me when I felt as if I’d been buried to deeply. 🌸

Flowers for Prim: Seven Months

7 MONTHS | Seven months missing you, but seven months closer to seeing you again🌸

February was a tricky month for many reasons (which is why this post is a week and a day late). I had questioned and pondered many things about our new life after losing you. I searched and read my patriarchal blessing (you can read more about those HERE💗) and it seemed to have very specific responsibilities and blessings about my children.

At first this frustrated me (and depending upon my journey through grief it still can) but all that pondering combined with thoughts from stake conference this weekend got me thinking more about those promises.

We were reminded at the conference that we need to believe He will keep his word. Because He will and He does. We didn’t get the desperate miracle we wanted so badly but He has blessed and promised me (since I was 15 years old)😱those responsibilities and blessings about my children. ALL of my children.

So my darling Primrose, we bought you this grow-your-own mini Rose kit as a daily reminder that although you aren’t here physically with us we can still grow our relationship with you in other ways. And He has promised we will see, hear, and feel those blessings... and I’m holding on, trusting and knowing He will keep His word. We love you sweet girl<3💗

Flowers for Prim: Six Months

6 MONTHS | Six months of missing you, but six months closer to seeing you again.

Half of a year. The longest half year in my entire life without you Primrose. Every minute very aware of your absence hurts more than I knew possible. However, I think this is the first month of feeling a small sliver of hope. Not thinking, not wishing, not just praying for it but a split second of true light hit my soul. I don't even remember why or when, but it happened. It didn't last long and it was surrounded by many many dark days but it was there. And that is something to celebrate and give thanks for. I don't think it's coincidence it came just in time for your half birthday in heaven. <3

This month you taught me and opened my eyes to the people around me. The people I know and the ones I don't. I realized the heartache I'm feeling is felt in many situations which is quite a heavy realization. Some (too many) like ours and some much different, but all with the underlying hurt that life isn't what we planned. It isn't what we imagined and it may never be. Yet time and time again & situation after situation life keeps throwing me the same message found in Proverbs 3:5-6 which says,

[5]"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."
[6]"In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct they paths."

I may need this as a constant reminder to fully get my heart there, but I'll get there. Slowly but surely.

Because ultimately I know I need my path directed by Him.

Maybe Not Everything is About Me

Since losing our sweet Primrose Adele, I have searched for a reason, meaning, or purpose in being asked to bare such an incredibly difficult burden. My worst nightmare. Everything is meant to 'happen for a reason' so...

What am I meant to learn from this?

What purpose am I meant to serve not having my beloved daughter here in my arms?

How could this trial be leading me to "something better"?

What do you want me to do from here?

Where do you want me to go?

Why me?

Why us?

Why Primrose?

Maybe I'll become a better person. Maybe I'll be able to help in some way. Maybe I'll have opportunities I would never have. Maybe I'll meet/re-meet people that I may not have...All these things have great meaning but nothing makes losing a child ever feel worth it. And unlike God, we don't see the bigger picture and in times of struggle it can be... Frustrating.  Lonely.  Upsetting.

One day cycling through the questions above and searching for some sort of meaning to this, I became once again frustrated not having answers or a clear direction. Then I had a thought.

I would literally do anything for my girls; Poppy and Primrose. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. So...

Maybe not everything is about me.

Maybe this is purely for my darling Primrose and this is what I needed to do for her. As heart wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting, and long suffering losing a baby or child at any stage can be...maybe this is the main reason and purpose right now. That Primrose just needed a body. That she was needed in heaven and I just needed to be willing to lose her and live life until I get to have her again. What I do after is a choice. A choice that is mine. No expectations just a chance to do something that will help me endure this life as well as I possibly can.  Heaven and earth may separate us, but it doesn't take away the fact that I'd do anything for Primrose. It looks differently than what I'll do for Poppy here, but it will be done with the same feelings of love in my heart that I have for both of them. 

If you are going through grief, know that it is all you have to do. Go through it.

If there is something you feel inspired to do and it helps push through it...Do it. Just know you aren't expected to always make lemonade out of lemons every second of the day. Some days you'll make sweet lemonade, other days it will be tart, and some days you'll chuck those lemons across the room and refuse to take a drink... and yet all days are important. God understands. He will always help and be there to hand us the sugar again. And again. And again.

This mummy heart is so incredibly proud of her daughters. A three year old who lights up the room and has the biggest sincere heart I've ever seen/felt & another in heaven who has received ultimate glory and exaltation with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ (if you would like more information regarding this you can read it here) and who didn't need to be tried and tested here.  I was enabled and given the chance to be the one to develop a perfect little body just for her. The only gift she needed here. 

I'm one extremely lucky mama <3

Flowers for Prim: Five Months

FIVE months | five months of missing you, but five months closer to seeing you again (December 24th)

This month we were finally able to come 'visit' you and see your beautiful headstone. Being the planner that I am, I had already imagined how I would be decorating your nursery, milestones, and birthdays but for now this is what we have to give sweetheart...Decorating your headstone and finding ways to decorate our lives with you in mind while we are apart. 

Your sweet daddy reminded me that although we don't live close to your resting place your spirit is ALWAYS nearby us wherever we go (As you know, your daddy is absolutely incredible Primrose). We are so grateful for our sweet friends who let us join them in their cute Pinwheel tradition. Waiting for it to spin is the sweetest indication that you truly are never far from us. 

Oh what we would give to have things different for everyone who is missing a sweet angel baby/babies. But we will continue to search for you every moment of our lives until we get to hold you again. We all love you sweet girl. 

Flowers for Prim: Four Months

FOUR months | Four months of missing you, but four months closer to seeing you again

Primrose, my heart absolutely aches for you. I remember with Poppy how every single month flew by and now I wish for that to be the case. I long to watch you grow up right before my eyes. The once "sad" thoughts of how quickly time was going now seems so painfully silly as I would give anything to feel that for you. It feels like an eternity has passed as currently every thought and moment is encompassed with sorrow or trying to understand the "why's" of this new life.

As a result, this month has been extremely hard as I've tried to navigate through such an unknown territory of grief....anger. I had to personally take a break of trying to do all the things I know will help because I was flat out exhausted. I was not strong this month, I was far from okay, and I needed a break from my typical reaction to read more, pray more, listen more, etc. as I was too exhausted to try and be okay with this new life. To find my purpose in all of this. I needed to feel this new stage through tears and internal screams. Through cries of anguish and feelings of betrayal. It has been a roller coaster I've never experienced and am not proud of. "This isn't who I am" was constantly on my mind and I hated it.

However, because I decided to take a "breather", God decided to be there for me through angels here on this earth.  I wasn't drawing to Him so He sent others to be there for me until this stage passes. He knows this isn't me and He understands. He knows I need to go through this and because I can't see the beginning to the end like He can, He is patient and so very kind. Even when I'm not.

For the past two and a half weeks (every single day without fail) I would get a text "out of nowhere" from an angel with a message and picture that would leave me in tears. This began the day after I started this new stage and had shut down my own personal efforts to draw close.

Coincidence? Of course not. 

God knew I needed the space so He sent family and friends my way to be there for me. He has done this multiple multiple times throughout this journey but this was so unique to this instance. I have been terrible having my phone with me recently, but after the first week of this happening whenever I heard my phone "ding" my mind had a small thought of, "I wonder if this is another angel who has just visited my darling Prim" and sure enough it was. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. The expected and unexpected visitors helped touch my heart when nothing else would in that moment.

I am so very grateful. Am I completely out of the woods for this stage? Sadly no. I've come to realize this journey isn't a "better and better each day", but it's more a process of "adding more 'Okay/Good' days in between the earth shattering ones". However, I will forever be grateful for family and friends who are constantly there for us through text, phone calls, constant prayers, and visiting my darling Prim and sharing their thoughts on her. Nothing makes this grieving mum heart happier than feeling my daughter's existence and knowing others feel her presence as well.

Thank you for loving our Primrose. I had so many plans to share her with the world in a similar fashion as Poppy which sadly isn't possible, but you all allow me to feel a sliver of that by feeling her spirit and recognizing who she is. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

The pictures below are ones I received from the last two and a half weeks (I believe I got them all...I know there were so many and I searched my text messages but if I missed one please let me know). I hope I'm able to share the many other ways people have shown their love for us in the future as we are so extremely grateful.

Just know you have all been a light in my life...even just by reading this and having an understanding heart means the world.

Are Pictures Worth A Thousand Words?

The picture below is roughly 4 hours after Prim's funeral. Anyone could look at this picture without that knowledge and assume I might be the happiest person in that moment, but in reality, our life was absolutely shattered without knowing how to piece it back together.  So I ask again...are pictures really worth a thousand words?

In some circumstances, yes. But for most? There is always a back story. Are we willing to dig our hands into the back story or do we keep scrolling... always taking a picture for it's "worth"? 

Tonight I want to send a friendly reminder to be kind to everyone you meet/interact with. Let us think through our words and complaints. Our complaints may be another's wishes. Remember not to assume from what you see on the surface. 

***If you've experienced pregnancy or infant loss below may cause memory triggers. I share in hopes that others might not feel alone through this. It might not be the right time for you, but when it is it'll be here. Feel free to vent with me anytime. We'll probably share many of the same demons...even if they aren't listed below***

"The hardest thing I've ever had to hear was that my child died.

The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is to live everyday since that moment."

That statement could not be more true. I started this blog to write the "good, bad, and ugly" of this grieving journey and today I just needed to write down some of the bad/ugly sides. The "would have/should have/could have" haunting questions and thoughts. 

How is it possible, that we had to plan a funeral and bury our sweet baby girl whom we longed for (so desperately) and were so incredibly grateful for? Who we loved with every fiber of our souls? How was she gone before we even got to meet her outside my womb? What would we do without her? How would we pick up the pieces in this new life that all of a sudden felt so foreign? How does life keep spinning when ours is shattered?  Could I have done anything differently to change this horrific outcome?

These are just a few of the questions spiraling through my head most days and below are only some of the haunting thoughts that come. There are some thoughts (like the moment we found out) that I currently have to shove out of my mind as quickly as possible because they make me feel extremely nauseous, but maybe writing some of them out will help.

• Waiting to see my Poppy girl be an older sister and have a built-in best friend here.
• Reminders that that^ opportunity was quickly taken away without warning.
• Thoughts of re-using a blessing dress and buying matching outfits may never happen in this lifetime.
• A clear distinction of life before July 24th and life after.
• The love for your own siblings and wanting it so desperately right now for Poppy and Primrose. 
• Knowing that those bonds^ would/should be happening right now.
• Plans made that are now on hold until TBD.
• Knowing "TBD" is not in our hands. (One of those thoughts you would hope to provide comfort as everything is in God's hand, but grief can cause conflicting emotions)
• Some memories and pictures that were a source of such great happiness currently being clouded by pain.
• Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear.
• Seeing newborn babies and knowing we should be experiencing them right now also.
• Thinking of the painful moment we found out and every painful thought afterwards.
• Naive bliss gone forever.
• Knowing you'll never quite be the same.
• Extremely hard days that seem to come out of nowhere.
• An empty nursery.
• Unused clothing or other items specifically purchased for Prim. 
• Grateful for truths known, but frustrated they don't ease pain as you would imagine/assume.
• Completely random triggers that cause your world to collapse all over again.
• Being homesick in your own heart, mind, and life.

I pray that we will love everyone around us. Decide to be the good in this world and go do it. Don't pick and choose when to be kind. Every single person could use a little more sunshine in their lives... no matter what their circumstance is.

Thank you to everyone who has been that sunshine to me and my family in our darkest days. <3